Seal showdown

Efforts by the EU to save the planet are resulting in emancipated seals.

It involves lawyers.

Horrified by mental images of baby seals being clubbed to death by merciless Inuit, the EU a while back banned all seal products being imported (even from countries states within the EU which technically means those products aren’t being “imported”… but anyway).

This earth-saving gesture did not only destroy one industry in Greenland – the baby seal clubbing industrial complex – but it also wrecked havoc on the fishing industry, a not so trivial pursuit for people who live on a freezing island with bugger all animals and bugger all in general… except fish.

And ice.

And I hope someone is sending them tartar sauce.

  • Not killing seals equals more seals which equals less fish.

Bad luck if you’re a tartar sauce magnate.

But where the Tabasco really starts to get pumped down the dickhole, is that the progressive EU has also signed various scraps of toilet paper affirming indigenous peoples’ rights (seriously, who the fuck isn’t indigenous on this planet?)

The Danish commonwealth (Denmark owns [the Danish own] Greenland’s arse*) is legally bound to protect, in essence, the baby seal clubbing industrial complex but it can’t because the idiots signed up to the EU which banned the baby seal clubbing industrial complex run by indigenous peoples whom the EU are also legally bound to protect, and by “protect”, we mean allowing those said Inuit to continue their time-honoured – sacred? – tradition of clubbing baby seals.

*Do you fucking get it yet???

You’d think the polar bears would just eat the seals, but remember, they are endangered.

And they can’t swim.

And not even polar bears want to live in Greenland.

Thus, efforts to save the planet have resulted in precisely… lawyers.

And people unemployed.

And starving baby seals.

And on this day, the planet did not give a single fuck.

Because it’s a planet. It’s a rock with shit growing and living on it. But a baby seal and a lawyer are not planets.

Or sentient.

Look, I “get” the warmy argument. Life is fragile. Most planets can’t possibly hope to support life.

We fart and all life will discontinue its existence here too.

Except is hasn’t in literally almost the entire 4.3 billion year existence of this planet.

You love nature? Nature is all powerful?


And be rest assured that if it needs to, it will wipe us all out and not a single lawyer or politician need apply for that job.

But life hasn’t been wiped out, and we are thriving better than ever.

I dunno – and let’s run with that mindset if only for a brief moment – maybe that’s Gaia actually telling us we’re doing a good job.

Or maybe, I dunno, we should be more concerned about a giant flaming speeding meteor (that’s what an asteroid is after it enters our airspace) than a fucking trace gas that occurs mostly naturally and is actually fucking essential to all life on this planet.

I digress.


Ditch the EU, club baby seals, airlift polar bears if you want to, and stop picking up soap in the world’s jail.

(Thanks to Nilk for the unintended, perhaps, inspiration)

*Chronic weather may be, but acute weather is not climate.*

  1. Welp.

    That there’s a prime rant too, as rants go.

    Nice work, Bingers!

    Betcha Elsie could make a mean Seal Curry…

    • You guessed right. It was inspired.

    • I wish you’d link to it on your twitter mag with those 6000+ followers and all that…


      Now excuse me while I go vomit my anus into the kitty litter at the thought of a traditional Aussie housewife 1. making curry and 2. with clubbed-to-death baby seals.

    • J.M. Heinrichs
    • January 13th, 2012

    Back in the 90s , and the furor over the Newfoundland seal hunt, it was pointed out that these new rules would cause major problems for the indigenous/locals. The response was the traditional Gallic shrug, with a “That would be their problem, then.”


  1. January 12th, 2012

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