$10,000 worth of free goodies if you come to Australia… “illegally”, that is

So don’t be a mug and use the proper channels; it’ll take forever anyway. Sure, you might be unlucky and be one of the 600 or so who’ve drowned at sea thanks to the shoddy boat you commissioned in Indonesia, but hey, if you make it (and statistically you probably will) you’ll get free money for life, a house fully set up, the kids will be educated at virtually no charge (and besides, you’re getting paid to do nothing anyway), you’ll have free top-notch healthcare, and you can bring the entire extended family over after you’ve settled in.

Heck, you won’t even have to learn English or change your customs one iota if you don’t want to. And all the assistance you could ever need will be provided free of charge in the language of your choice. It’ll be like a home away from home, only much, much more comfortable.

It’s a money back guarantee… and then some. It’s foolproof. Don’t think of the $10,000 you pay to the people smugglers as a fee for them. Think of it as a down payment for your permanent holiday courtesy of the Australian taxpayer.

Not actually in need of asylum? Not actually a refugee? Relax. There are lots of kind folk who can help you once you’re here to come up with a story plausible enough – and trust me, no one’s asking for a Hollywood script if you catch my drift – to convince the sympathetic immigration officer who needs to get you out of the detention centre pronto before the next boat arrives.

Remember, you’ll have thrown your documents overboard before we come to pick you up and believe me, no one’s really interested in checking up on things anyway.

But hurry! You’ve got a maximum of about 18 months to take up this offer for of a lifetime before the current government is turfed out on its ear, although even then, the worst that can happen is you’ll have to slum it on an idealistic Pacific island.


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